Once there was a girl... we will call her Whitney. Whitney met a boy named.... Joe. They went to high school together. They grew up and got married and had babies and a house and cars and whatever. Joe would get angry at Whitney. He would call her names. Joe became very bitter and didn't like himself very much.... he would, what Whitney thought anyway, like to drag her down to his low level of bitterness and he would hurt her the only way he could. With his words. Whitney cried. A lot. Joe never apologized. He called it "being truthful" and Whitney learned to not like his "honest opinion" very much. Whitney gained weight. Joe would call her fat. Whitney would lose weight. Joe would accuse her of cheating. She couldn't win. He was never happy. They divorced. Despite the babies. Despite the life they worked hard to build, it ended. It hurt. Probably more than the hateful words. They failed at marriage. They failed at giving their babies the life they deserved with Mommy and Daddy happy and thriving. But those babies heard the words Joe would say to Whitney. And even though it's been some time, they sometimes bring it up. Still. Whitney feels her heart rip open every time. That is NOT the way you talk to people. Why can't they just forget? Why can't she?
Whitney met Brad. Brad tells Whitney how beautiful she is all the time. He respects her. He appreciates her. He gives her things Joe NEVER could....or would. Brad is an enormous influence on the babies and he shows them how they are SUPPOSED to treat people. Even though Joe is a great dad to the babies, Brad is also great and he shows the babies a side of their mom that they haven't seen. Not in awhile for the older ones... not ever for the younger ones... Whitney laughs more. Whitney is happy.
On the outside.
When Brad tells Whitney she is beautiful, she doesn't believe it. She looks in the mirror and she can't see anything but the words that have stuck in her head from the things Joe has told her over the many many years. She preaches to her daughters that "you have to love yourself. you have to accept and love who you are or you are never going to be able to love anyone else." Yet, she doesn't practice what she preaches. Instead, while out shopping and trying on clothes, she cries because they don't fit. She cries because they don't look right on her. She feels she can't pull off certain outfits because she doesn't have the figure or the guts. She looks at other women in cute clothes and confidence with envy. She goes home, looks in the mirror to TELL herself she IS beautiful. She is great just the way she is... but she only sees the breakouts on her face from stress. The lines near her eyes from worry. The weight she carries. The ugly. She sees flaws and she hears JOE'S voice telling her she will never amount to anything. She will always be "just pretty because beautiful is too strong of a word for you." She hears "If you would just lose some weight, you would be hot." "Look at this picture of you in high school. You used to be pretty. What happened?"
Whitney is broken. Still.
Diets. Lifestyle changes. Workouts. Weight loss. Sure, it happens. She puts in effort. But she fails at that. She always falls short despite wanting it SO badly. She can't handle compliments. They make her nervous. She can't stay the way she is, it's unhealthy. She can't let them see her upset or weak. She. Can't. Let. Joe. Win.
But he does. Every day. He does. Despite the love of a man named Brad and babies and family and friends. She never feels good enough.
And she doesn't know how to fix that.
:'(
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
hi... again...
Well
HELLO THERE!
*gives slightly embarrassed wave*
How is everyone? :) I know, I know... I went MIA for a bit in the blogging world... I had SO much go on, I don't even know where to begin... I think my last post was October... Well, around that time, I tried to help out a "friend" and... THAT went over like a lead balloon... lol But it's okay... live and learn and in that time frame, I did a WHOLE lot of learning...
***MOVING RIGHT ALONG***
In November, a great man, a LOVED man, passed away in our family. My sweet Pappy. :( Very unexpectedly. I got the chance to go up to Kentucky to say goodbye and to see my Mammy and somewhat help her through some of the hardest days of her life as we laid him to rest...(If you're reading this Mammy like I know you do, I love you!) It was a sad time but also a happy time... as crazy as that sounds... being able to be surrounded by those that loved him as much as I did, to hear the crazy HILARIOUS stories and memories... it was good for the soul to cry with them, to laugh with them and to laugh until we cried... <3
My Uncle, My Pappy and My Dad
Thanksgiving!!! I cooked at my house the day before Thanksgiving because my children went to their dad's this year for Thanksgiving day... I didn't burn the turkey! :) I did burn the rolls... I forgot about them... but that's okay. :) I got the chance to reflect on what I was thankful for and most of it was under the same roof as me! <3
PSYCHO CRAZY PHOTO SESSION SEASON!!! Oh my... it got CRAZY! I don't regret it. I loved every second... I LOVE my job, but the months of November and December are insane in my world... INSANE! So, that kept me so busy...
Christmas!!! We had an amazing Christmas. My kids were very appreciative of everything, it was a laid back, chill kinda holiday and we loved every bit of it! Except, our Elf on the Shelf "Garland" was kinda lazy... he didn't move too much... I guess he forgot... :)
January... The New Year.. On January 8th I had surgery to remove a cyst from the back of my head... it was scary. Especially when the doctor spoke of "sending it off to be tested for cancer." Oh my... that got scary.. BUT everything turned out fine. It isn't cancer, it WAS however one of the biggest cysts he has ever removed from the back of someone's head... *taking a bow* :) haha! I have a bit of a shaved area (not too bad and not noticeable at all and a nicely healing scar... it's so weird washing my hair now or laying on that side and not feeling that big ol' lump...
New Years Resolutions!!! No, blogging isn't a New Years Resolution... Neither is losing weight. But, CUSSING is! :) I've been doing.......okay.... I think... I THINK about what I say before I say it... I'm not perfect at it but I'm getting better... look, no cuss words yet! eh... EHHHH??? :)
I am going to be blogging again. I have started back on this journey... BUT I can say, the weight I lost from before has NOT been gained back! None! I attribute that to clean eating and healthy choices! Thank you very much! :) They weighed me before surgery and I am still where I was when I ended last here! Boo-Ya! BUT I have work to do still... and as always, it will get done....eventually ;)
Procrastination is another one of my New Years Resolutions :) HAHA! Let's see how THAT shit goes...
dangit...
<3 Wendy
Sunday, October 13, 2013
ugh! I miss blogging!
hello my friends. I know, I know, its been awhile. I'm doing well. I really am. My weigh loss has sloooooowed down but only because I haven't been doing too much. I haven't stopped, I didn't quit. I promise. I just got busy. REALLY REALLY busy. I know my last blog (on September 27th) explained why I was so busy but I really thought it would slow down, only it hasn't. :) I love my job, I'm just going to have to learn to straighten out my schedule so I can allow time for exercise. It started out as being slammed. The moments I was away from my computer made me feel guilty. I literally became an editing zombie. When I was with my kids, I had to work REALLY hard to not think about what sessions need to be edited. It really is a mind thing. As of right now, I have forced myself to go back to my old ways of time management and its actually working out very well. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday 7am-330pm I'm DEVOTED to photography. Editing, answering emails and messages, planning, scheduling, ordering, etc. WEDNESDAYS I'm off and every other weekend I'm off (the weekends I have my kids) I may shoot sessions but I WILL NOT sit at this computer and edit like before... I'm off, my family needs me and I need the time to recoup. I lived by this schedule before and I was MUCH happier, I got side tracked because of my hard drive issues and having to catch up and kept telling myself "its ok, I'll only work for a little bit while the kids watch tv" and the whole weekend slipped by and aside from cooking meals, they were left to entertain themselves. Gah, THAT makes me feel guilty. More so than anything. Time is slipping away and I do NOT want them to remember their childhood as "mommy worked a lot and edited a lot and we didn't do that much together" that will NOT happen. I have cut back on how many sessions I shoot each month as well. I don't have to and I won't take every client that comes my way. It's OK to say "I'm sorry, I'm booked" and leave some days open to spend frog catching or giving the dogs a bath together or playing with the stupid chickens! :) That's what I want my children to remember when they grow up. That their mom made time for them. Always. :)
Same with my health. I HAVE to make time for it. I have gotten back on the bandwagon of getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and although I won't go to the park and walk, I do have a long driveway and I get out there and confuse the hell out of my dogs because I will walk it back and forth for at least 30 minutes getting my heart rate up. I know I've "slacked" a little. I've let myself get comfortable BUT I haven't gained any weight back and I am still making healthy choices. It's just not as strict as it was before. I'm getting back into the swing of things though and I can say, I have way more energy and I'm happier. So, before you start in on the "oh God, another instagram post of what Wendy made for dinner" beware. I'm going grocery shopping either today or tomorrow and I have a whole list of new recipes I can't wait to try and they will be filtered, hashtagged and posted on my instagram. :) (and most likely facebook too)
@justwinny is my instagram... follow me <3
Next up on my to do list is measuring! I haven't measured since August 17th so I'm going to do that to see where I am... :)
starting weight- 319
this morning my scale said 287
:) BIG SMILE. yeah, I'm still "fat" and I have a long way to go but 32 pounds is great. I love hearing from people that I haven't seen in awhile that they can really tell I've lost weight. :) I have a personal goal by my birthday that is going to push me HARD the next few weeks. My birthday is November 8th. I want to work my butt off and lose 15 more pounds by my birthday. I think its doable... we will see. :) The best thing about this whole journey in setting goals isn't reaching them or falling short but learning about yourself. I have learned SO much about myself since I decided to change my way of living. SO much. <3
Have a healthy day!
<3 Wendy
Same with my health. I HAVE to make time for it. I have gotten back on the bandwagon of getting up at the buttcrack of dawn and although I won't go to the park and walk, I do have a long driveway and I get out there and confuse the hell out of my dogs because I will walk it back and forth for at least 30 minutes getting my heart rate up. I know I've "slacked" a little. I've let myself get comfortable BUT I haven't gained any weight back and I am still making healthy choices. It's just not as strict as it was before. I'm getting back into the swing of things though and I can say, I have way more energy and I'm happier. So, before you start in on the "oh God, another instagram post of what Wendy made for dinner" beware. I'm going grocery shopping either today or tomorrow and I have a whole list of new recipes I can't wait to try and they will be filtered, hashtagged and posted on my instagram. :) (and most likely facebook too)
@justwinny is my instagram... follow me <3
Next up on my to do list is measuring! I haven't measured since August 17th so I'm going to do that to see where I am... :)
starting weight- 319
this morning my scale said 287
:) BIG SMILE. yeah, I'm still "fat" and I have a long way to go but 32 pounds is great. I love hearing from people that I haven't seen in awhile that they can really tell I've lost weight. :) I have a personal goal by my birthday that is going to push me HARD the next few weeks. My birthday is November 8th. I want to work my butt off and lose 15 more pounds by my birthday. I think its doable... we will see. :) The best thing about this whole journey in setting goals isn't reaching them or falling short but learning about yourself. I have learned SO much about myself since I decided to change my way of living. SO much. <3
Have a healthy day!
<3 Wendy
Friday, September 27, 2013
Who's a SLACKER? ME!
I apologize for the lack of posts here lately, I have really been busy. I had a computer hard drive screw up and I lost SEVERAL edited sessions including an entire wedding and I've had to back track and re edit a SHIT LOAD of images! I'm racing the clock here and I'm running low on energy and patience....
Which brings me to my next point: I have NO clue how much I weigh, NO clue how I'm doing and I'm terrified to check. HA! I have very little energy and I'm a straight up BITCH to be around right now...I have been drinking water still, I have been TRYING to eat healthy but I have fallen back in the eating once a day thing and little to ZERO exercise. I literally have NO time for it. Any of it. I'm STUCK at my computer all day and through the night editing fat rolls and blemishes, darkening, brightening, adjusting, saving, filing, burning, finalizing... Which probably explains why I'm so short tempered and spastic lately... Bless the hearts of my children, they have seen psycho mom a few times this past week... I still have healthy, clean eating on my mind and I work hard to make good choices but one apple and a home made grilled chicken wrap with spinach leaves and avocado and Greek yogurt for an ENTIRE DAY is NOT good... I'm not trying to starve myself and I'm really not trying to screw this up, I just am SO slammed. I've had probably 12 hours of sleep in the last 3 days... Sleep is just as important as eating healthy and exercising. After I get all of this under control and everything calms down a bit, I promise to be back at it full force! I have noticed my yoga pants and sweat pants are too big... (when I wear pants) that's probably NOT a good thing since I know it's most likely due to not eating like I should. It doesn't matter what anyone says, NOT EATING (STARVING) IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! Your body needs food for energy and energy to burn actual fat. I do NOT recommend not eating at all. I can tell my skin is less bright, almost greyish at times and I have bags under my eyes. What I'm putting my body through right now is NOT good. It will get better. I can see the light at the end of this darkness and I'll be back on track!
Just a little bump in the road. A little hiccup. Say a prayer for me :)
<3 Wendy
Which brings me to my next point: I have NO clue how much I weigh, NO clue how I'm doing and I'm terrified to check. HA! I have very little energy and I'm a straight up BITCH to be around right now...I have been drinking water still, I have been TRYING to eat healthy but I have fallen back in the eating once a day thing and little to ZERO exercise. I literally have NO time for it. Any of it. I'm STUCK at my computer all day and through the night editing fat rolls and blemishes, darkening, brightening, adjusting, saving, filing, burning, finalizing... Which probably explains why I'm so short tempered and spastic lately... Bless the hearts of my children, they have seen psycho mom a few times this past week... I still have healthy, clean eating on my mind and I work hard to make good choices but one apple and a home made grilled chicken wrap with spinach leaves and avocado and Greek yogurt for an ENTIRE DAY is NOT good... I'm not trying to starve myself and I'm really not trying to screw this up, I just am SO slammed. I've had probably 12 hours of sleep in the last 3 days... Sleep is just as important as eating healthy and exercising. After I get all of this under control and everything calms down a bit, I promise to be back at it full force! I have noticed my yoga pants and sweat pants are too big... (when I wear pants) that's probably NOT a good thing since I know it's most likely due to not eating like I should. It doesn't matter what anyone says, NOT EATING (STARVING) IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! Your body needs food for energy and energy to burn actual fat. I do NOT recommend not eating at all. I can tell my skin is less bright, almost greyish at times and I have bags under my eyes. What I'm putting my body through right now is NOT good. It will get better. I can see the light at the end of this darkness and I'll be back on track!
Just a little bump in the road. A little hiccup. Say a prayer for me :)
<3 Wendy
Monday, September 16, 2013
Backsliding... just a little...
Many of you have asked why I haven't been posting as much lately and in a nutshell, without going into too many details, here is why:
1. I've been mother frickin' SLAMMED with work. (Photography) and I LOVE IT! But I'm busting my ass trying to get these sessions out quickly because I know my work load is about to blow up in the coming months. The sessions I have scheduled along with fall/Christmas sessions AND the weddings I have in coming weeks are keeping me seriously busy. I love it. I love working with each family/couple/senior/child etc. I. LOVE. MY. JOB! But with my ADD, its difficult to stay on task. I get side tracked so I've been gluing myself to photoshop getting these sessions cranked out before I get distracted so I've stayed off the internet (aside from my phone or facebook in between files loading)
2. I'm looking for a Monday-Friday 9-5ish job! Nothing is going wrong with photography, I'm doing fine there but strictly for health insurance purposes. I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE! I have a few medical conditions that I have to get checked out and I hear if you don't have insurance by next year, you'll get fined or some crap... just what I need... Thanks a lot Obama.
3. I've been broke as a joke. Ain't no lie. My washer broke TWICE and I had to get it fixed and a few other financial hiccups and its just been a crazy 2 weeks... I couldn't afford to really buy completely clean so I was having to work hard to figure out how I can eat along with still allowing my kids to eat the things they love and need... its been tough... this week is looking up though, I'm going grocery shopping today and I'm actually excited about it!
The key is sticking with it. Yes, I have fallen short this past week/week and a half but I'm getting right back up there and starting again. I have drank my water like I was supposed to and I've been trying to make good choices with what I have available... I think I'm doing good and I'm proud of myself. Just because I have a little bump in the road doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm still determined to make this my life. Its literally all I think about and last week when I was forced to eat a grilled cheese because that was literally all I had in my house, I ate it (on whole grain bread) and made myself understand that you gotta do what you gotta do but as long as you keep on trying, you still win. I'm proud of myself. Despite the not so good choices and the back sliding a little, I'm proud that I knew I was going to get up and dust myself off and keep going. :)
I lost 5 more lbs just so you know. :) I'm down 29lbs total! :) Sure, that could be "water weight" or whatever but I wore pants I wasn't able to fit in this time last year to the wedding I shot on Saturday! Boo-Ya! :)
Exercise
Healthy Choices
Water
Eating several times a day
Having and keeping a positive attitude.
That's my life. And I'm proud of it! <3
Have A Healthy Day! <3
<3 Wendy
1. I've been mother frickin' SLAMMED with work. (Photography) and I LOVE IT! But I'm busting my ass trying to get these sessions out quickly because I know my work load is about to blow up in the coming months. The sessions I have scheduled along with fall/Christmas sessions AND the weddings I have in coming weeks are keeping me seriously busy. I love it. I love working with each family/couple/senior/child etc. I. LOVE. MY. JOB! But with my ADD, its difficult to stay on task. I get side tracked so I've been gluing myself to photoshop getting these sessions cranked out before I get distracted so I've stayed off the internet (aside from my phone or facebook in between files loading)
2. I'm looking for a Monday-Friday 9-5ish job! Nothing is going wrong with photography, I'm doing fine there but strictly for health insurance purposes. I NEED HEALTH INSURANCE! I have a few medical conditions that I have to get checked out and I hear if you don't have insurance by next year, you'll get fined or some crap... just what I need... Thanks a lot Obama.
3. I've been broke as a joke. Ain't no lie. My washer broke TWICE and I had to get it fixed and a few other financial hiccups and its just been a crazy 2 weeks... I couldn't afford to really buy completely clean so I was having to work hard to figure out how I can eat along with still allowing my kids to eat the things they love and need... its been tough... this week is looking up though, I'm going grocery shopping today and I'm actually excited about it!
The key is sticking with it. Yes, I have fallen short this past week/week and a half but I'm getting right back up there and starting again. I have drank my water like I was supposed to and I've been trying to make good choices with what I have available... I think I'm doing good and I'm proud of myself. Just because I have a little bump in the road doesn't mean I'm going to give up. I'm still determined to make this my life. Its literally all I think about and last week when I was forced to eat a grilled cheese because that was literally all I had in my house, I ate it (on whole grain bread) and made myself understand that you gotta do what you gotta do but as long as you keep on trying, you still win. I'm proud of myself. Despite the not so good choices and the back sliding a little, I'm proud that I knew I was going to get up and dust myself off and keep going. :)
I lost 5 more lbs just so you know. :) I'm down 29lbs total! :) Sure, that could be "water weight" or whatever but I wore pants I wasn't able to fit in this time last year to the wedding I shot on Saturday! Boo-Ya! :)
Exercise
Healthy Choices
Water
Eating several times a day
Having and keeping a positive attitude.
That's my life. And I'm proud of it! <3
Have A Healthy Day! <3
<3 Wendy
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Who farted? hahaha
I haven't blogged in awhile. For a few reasons. Some personal, some obvious, some just laziness. In the time I have taken away from blogging, I have noticed something that I am going to share with you...
Farting. I have been known to "shake the walls of the Westin" when I fart. I have been known to "fart like a trucker" and I have been known to "blow your boots off" when I fart... I. FART. I try to be lady like and not fart in public, but my close friends, my kids, my ex husband (haha oh i bet he misses that SO much) and even my sweet boyfriend are well aware that I simply fart like a man when I fart... go big or go home, right? lol
Now, women are very sensitive about farting. They don't like doing it, admitting to it or even saying the word "fart." I was not allowed to say it growing up, but guess what, Mom, remember when you would say "when you grow up and get your own house, you can say (buy, do, live, eat) how you want but as long as you live with me, you will not say (buy, do, live, eat) that!" :) haha
Toot, poot, fluff... are more acceptable but I strongly believe "fart" is better than saying "anal acoustics" or "blasting the ass trumpet" so see, it could always be worse. :)
I'm not rude, I wouldn't fart if I were in church or um... at a wedding or... in serious situations but I do fart. I don't go all honey boo boo and blast one off in the middle of a restaurant or store but, our living room, the car and quiet moments laying in bed watching tv are fair game in this family... and the point of this post is to let you know about a discovery I've made regarding farting.
Since I've been eating clean, I haven't had the victorious chance to blow the sheets off the bed with an earth shattering fart. Ask Bruce (my boyfriend) He's the one that brought it to my attention. He was very happy to discover that I haven't been farting lately. He's just mad because my farts have meaning and his are girly. ;) I haven't been rocking the panty burps like usual. And here is why. I decided to do some research on this. Turns out eating things like carbs and beans (yeah, we knew that already) and fried foods make you fart more. Eating clean is good for your farts. :) Not chewing your food well can cause you to have excessive gas because your body is working overtime to break the food down.
Here's how I figured this out. I have eaten clean the entire month of August. I worked really hard to make sure nothing that went into my body was unclean. (or i tried really hard and did really good) Then, we had a few financial issues and some other situations that took place in September and I sort of back tracked a little. I am still drinking water but the eating hasn't been the cleanest... I'll explain more on that with tomorrow's blog post. So, August was pretty much fart free. Now... let's just say I have begun the one man jazz band again and Bruce has noticed that as well... (Gah, guys are SO sensitive when you out fart them LOL)
Anyway, I know some of you are disgusted by this post and probably won't read another one or some of you are thinking I'm so nasty... those are probably the people who "don't fart" and the same people (unlike me still at 30 years old) that don't giggle when the ketchup bottle makes a fart noise. :) Truth is, everyone farts. Moms, dads, grandmas, The Queen of England, your neighbors, your pastor or Sunday School teacher and even sexy, hot Adam Levine and Johnny Depp... yep, they all fart... It's natural and your body's way of releasing gas (hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen and even methane) but, as it turns out, eating cleaner and healthier and keeping the chemicals out of your body as much as possible help in the breakdown of your flatulence. :) That is all!
Have A Healthy Day
Wendy <3
Farting. I have been known to "shake the walls of the Westin" when I fart. I have been known to "fart like a trucker" and I have been known to "blow your boots off" when I fart... I. FART. I try to be lady like and not fart in public, but my close friends, my kids, my ex husband (haha oh i bet he misses that SO much) and even my sweet boyfriend are well aware that I simply fart like a man when I fart... go big or go home, right? lol
Now, women are very sensitive about farting. They don't like doing it, admitting to it or even saying the word "fart." I was not allowed to say it growing up, but guess what, Mom, remember when you would say "when you grow up and get your own house, you can say (buy, do, live, eat) how you want but as long as you live with me, you will not say (buy, do, live, eat) that!" :) haha
fart. Fart. FART! ;)
I'm not rude, I wouldn't fart if I were in church or um... at a wedding or... in serious situations but I do fart. I don't go all honey boo boo and blast one off in the middle of a restaurant or store but, our living room, the car and quiet moments laying in bed watching tv are fair game in this family... and the point of this post is to let you know about a discovery I've made regarding farting.
Since I've been eating clean, I haven't had the victorious chance to blow the sheets off the bed with an earth shattering fart. Ask Bruce (my boyfriend) He's the one that brought it to my attention. He was very happy to discover that I haven't been farting lately. He's just mad because my farts have meaning and his are girly. ;) I haven't been rocking the panty burps like usual. And here is why. I decided to do some research on this. Turns out eating things like carbs and beans (yeah, we knew that already) and fried foods make you fart more. Eating clean is good for your farts. :) Not chewing your food well can cause you to have excessive gas because your body is working overtime to break the food down.
Here's how I figured this out. I have eaten clean the entire month of August. I worked really hard to make sure nothing that went into my body was unclean. (or i tried really hard and did really good) Then, we had a few financial issues and some other situations that took place in September and I sort of back tracked a little. I am still drinking water but the eating hasn't been the cleanest... I'll explain more on that with tomorrow's blog post. So, August was pretty much fart free. Now... let's just say I have begun the one man jazz band again and Bruce has noticed that as well... (Gah, guys are SO sensitive when you out fart them LOL)
Anyway, I know some of you are disgusted by this post and probably won't read another one or some of you are thinking I'm so nasty... those are probably the people who "don't fart" and the same people (unlike me still at 30 years old) that don't giggle when the ketchup bottle makes a fart noise. :) Truth is, everyone farts. Moms, dads, grandmas, The Queen of England, your neighbors, your pastor or Sunday School teacher and even sexy, hot Adam Levine and Johnny Depp... yep, they all fart... It's natural and your body's way of releasing gas (hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen and even methane) but, as it turns out, eating cleaner and healthier and keeping the chemicals out of your body as much as possible help in the breakdown of your flatulence. :) That is all!
Have A Healthy Day
Wendy <3
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
My Food Addiction (Part 1)
I have said this before... but I didn't grow up with a weight problem. I was born an average size, I lived a healthy lifestyle thanks to my Mother who taught us to make good choices in the things we ate. We always ate at the table, together and our meals were ALWAYS healthy and nutritious. My mother grew up with a weigh issue. She didn't want her children to grow up like that so we always had access to granola bars and rice cakes, fruits and veggies...We weren't deprived, (we would have Mcdonalds every now and then and I remember once my Mema's best friend bringing me twinkies when I had the chicken pox...she put them in the mailbox so she wouldn't be exposed to me and yelled from the car that she loved me and hoped I felt better soon lol) We were a healthy family. In school, although I thought I was fat, I wasn't. I was always tall so I always weighed a little more than my friends but I wasn't anywhere near fat...I wish I saw how thin I was back then...
My weight issues started after I got married. Please keep in mind, I'm NOT bashing anyone in this post. I'm simply stating the facts that lead up to the issues I face today. My ex husband and I got married when I was 18. He was 21. We were married for 11 years and we have 4 beautiful children. I got pregnant with my first baby a month after we got married, my 2nd came along 16 months later and we had a small 2 year break then baby number 3 and 4 came only 14 months apart from each other... Our lives were a whirlwind of emotions so fast. My ex husband would say things that were awful. That people who love each other shouldn't say to each other. I was constantly called names and put down. See, I was the strong one in our relationship. Not physically, but I could handle emotions from the stress, the money issues, the craziness better than he could. He would lash out at me because, overall, I could take it. I forgave easily (and still do) I knew his words were just said in anger but they hurt nonetheless. I turned to food to help heal my emotions. To hide them. To make up for the hurt. I slowly became addicted to food. I guess I should be happy it wasn't drugs or alcohol, but food addiction can kill you just as much as the other addictions can. (I'm learning more and more about this every day.) Every time I was called a "fat worthless bitch" I'd cry to my best friend over ice cream and I'd feel better. I'd make unhealthy things to eat because it made my husband happy. Different situations and arguments and stress and money issues (I am by NO means saying I was the perfect wife, I had my share of downfalls) I sunk deeper and deeper into food addiction. I taught myself not to eat all day and then binge on snacks late at night while talking to my best friend on the phone for hours about how shitty our lives had become. No one could see how much I ate because everyone was asleep. I learned really quick that a big pan of cheesy, buttery, fattening homemade mac and cheese and fried chicken and homemade-let them rise all day- yeast rolls literally made me HAPPY. I even went to school for culinary arts because I just love food SO much. Food makes me happy. Hell, it still does. The wrong foods though... By the time my ex husband and I decided that our relationship was going no where, there was so much damage done to me mentally, verbally and emotionally (and I'm sure to him as well it was just a sad situation) I was full blown depending on food to get me through the hard times. I gained a lot of weight. Keep in mind, I have forgiven him for everything from our past and he's forgiven me, but our relationship was just toxic to each other. We are MUCH better friends and parents apart than we ever were together... That's how it goes sometimes. He's a good person with a good heart, he was just married to the wrong person. Vise versa...
After our separation, and divorce, I started NOT eating. Not because I wanted to starve myself but because my metabolism just went to shit. I would literally eat once a day. Which isn't good AT ALL. That one meal was usually dinner and it was usually a bad choice. A quick fix because life got hectic. I would still hide and eat things when I was stressed or upset, but usually I was so busy trying to make a life for me and my kids that I didn't really have time to eat more than one time in a whole day... Things just spiraled downward and before I knew it, I was over 300lbs and miserable.
My food addiction is just like an alcohol addiction. I can't just have one honey bun or one yeast roll because I will figure out a way to justify why I can have more and before I know it, I've had 3. This is more mental for me than anything because even though I feel like I'm doing a good job at handling the temptation of my food choices, I know I can slip at any moment. So, when you see me post things like "I miss bread" or "I miss beer" I'm not allowing myself to have those things right now until I get better control over it. I know people say you shouldn't deprive yourself but you don't deprive yourself when you are on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm changing my lifestyle. A recovering alcoholic wouldn't just have one shot or one beer, they steer clear of it because one will lead to more which will lead to having to start all over again. That's my frame of mind right now. I have to steer clear of the things (like Pizza) that tempt me and surround myself with good healthy clean choices or I fear I will backslide and end right back at square one again... This is a slower process for me. I'm not losing weight super fast because I'm not on a diet or looking for a quick fix. I'm changing everything in my life slowly so that it will STAY changed in the long run. This is me now. I'm working hard on beating obesity because I want to live to see my babies have babies and so on... If I continue down the road to eating like I was, I won't even live to see my children become teenagers. True story.
Have A Healthy Day
<3 Wendy
My weight issues started after I got married. Please keep in mind, I'm NOT bashing anyone in this post. I'm simply stating the facts that lead up to the issues I face today. My ex husband and I got married when I was 18. He was 21. We were married for 11 years and we have 4 beautiful children. I got pregnant with my first baby a month after we got married, my 2nd came along 16 months later and we had a small 2 year break then baby number 3 and 4 came only 14 months apart from each other... Our lives were a whirlwind of emotions so fast. My ex husband would say things that were awful. That people who love each other shouldn't say to each other. I was constantly called names and put down. See, I was the strong one in our relationship. Not physically, but I could handle emotions from the stress, the money issues, the craziness better than he could. He would lash out at me because, overall, I could take it. I forgave easily (and still do) I knew his words were just said in anger but they hurt nonetheless. I turned to food to help heal my emotions. To hide them. To make up for the hurt. I slowly became addicted to food. I guess I should be happy it wasn't drugs or alcohol, but food addiction can kill you just as much as the other addictions can. (I'm learning more and more about this every day.) Every time I was called a "fat worthless bitch" I'd cry to my best friend over ice cream and I'd feel better. I'd make unhealthy things to eat because it made my husband happy. Different situations and arguments and stress and money issues (I am by NO means saying I was the perfect wife, I had my share of downfalls) I sunk deeper and deeper into food addiction. I taught myself not to eat all day and then binge on snacks late at night while talking to my best friend on the phone for hours about how shitty our lives had become. No one could see how much I ate because everyone was asleep. I learned really quick that a big pan of cheesy, buttery, fattening homemade mac and cheese and fried chicken and homemade-let them rise all day- yeast rolls literally made me HAPPY. I even went to school for culinary arts because I just love food SO much. Food makes me happy. Hell, it still does. The wrong foods though... By the time my ex husband and I decided that our relationship was going no where, there was so much damage done to me mentally, verbally and emotionally (and I'm sure to him as well it was just a sad situation) I was full blown depending on food to get me through the hard times. I gained a lot of weight. Keep in mind, I have forgiven him for everything from our past and he's forgiven me, but our relationship was just toxic to each other. We are MUCH better friends and parents apart than we ever were together... That's how it goes sometimes. He's a good person with a good heart, he was just married to the wrong person. Vise versa...
After our separation, and divorce, I started NOT eating. Not because I wanted to starve myself but because my metabolism just went to shit. I would literally eat once a day. Which isn't good AT ALL. That one meal was usually dinner and it was usually a bad choice. A quick fix because life got hectic. I would still hide and eat things when I was stressed or upset, but usually I was so busy trying to make a life for me and my kids that I didn't really have time to eat more than one time in a whole day... Things just spiraled downward and before I knew it, I was over 300lbs and miserable.
My food addiction is just like an alcohol addiction. I can't just have one honey bun or one yeast roll because I will figure out a way to justify why I can have more and before I know it, I've had 3. This is more mental for me than anything because even though I feel like I'm doing a good job at handling the temptation of my food choices, I know I can slip at any moment. So, when you see me post things like "I miss bread" or "I miss beer" I'm not allowing myself to have those things right now until I get better control over it. I know people say you shouldn't deprive yourself but you don't deprive yourself when you are on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm changing my lifestyle. A recovering alcoholic wouldn't just have one shot or one beer, they steer clear of it because one will lead to more which will lead to having to start all over again. That's my frame of mind right now. I have to steer clear of the things (like Pizza) that tempt me and surround myself with good healthy clean choices or I fear I will backslide and end right back at square one again... This is a slower process for me. I'm not losing weight super fast because I'm not on a diet or looking for a quick fix. I'm changing everything in my life slowly so that it will STAY changed in the long run. This is me now. I'm working hard on beating obesity because I want to live to see my babies have babies and so on... If I continue down the road to eating like I was, I won't even live to see my children become teenagers. True story.
Have A Healthy Day
<3 Wendy
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