Broken.

Once there was a girl... we will call her Whitney. Whitney met a boy named.... Joe. They went to high school together. They grew up and got married and had babies and a house and cars and whatever. Joe would get angry at Whitney. He would call her names. Joe became very bitter and didn't like himself very much.... he would, what Whitney thought anyway, like to drag her down to his low level of bitterness and he would hurt her the only way he could. With his words. Whitney cried. A lot. Joe never apologized. He called it "being truthful" and Whitney learned to not like his "honest opinion" very much.  Whitney gained weight. Joe would call her fat. Whitney would lose weight. Joe would accuse her of cheating. She couldn't win. He was never happy. They divorced. Despite the babies. Despite the life they worked hard to build, it ended. It hurt. Probably more than the hateful words. They failed at marriage. They failed at giving their babies the life they deserved with Mommy and Daddy happy and thriving. But those babies heard the words Joe would say to Whitney. And even though it's been some time, they sometimes bring it up. Still. Whitney feels her heart rip open every time. That is NOT the way you talk to people. Why can't they just forget? Why can't she?

Whitney met Brad. Brad tells Whitney how beautiful she is all the time. He respects her. He appreciates her. He gives her things Joe NEVER could....or would. Brad is an enormous influence on the babies and he shows them how they are SUPPOSED to treat people. Even though Joe is a great dad to the babies, Brad is also great and he shows the babies a side of their mom that they haven't seen. Not in awhile for the older ones... not ever for the younger ones... Whitney laughs more. Whitney is happy.

On the outside.

When Brad tells Whitney she is beautiful, she doesn't believe it. She looks in the mirror and she can't see anything but the words that have stuck in her head from the things Joe has told her over the many many years.  She preaches to her daughters that "you have to love yourself. you have to accept and love who you are or you are never going to be able to love anyone else." Yet, she doesn't practice what she preaches. Instead, while out shopping and trying on clothes, she cries because they don't fit. She cries because they don't look right on her. She feels she can't pull off certain outfits because she doesn't have the figure or the guts. She looks at other women in cute clothes and confidence with envy. She goes home, looks in the mirror to TELL herself she IS beautiful. She is great just the way she is... but she only sees the breakouts on her face from stress. The lines near her eyes from worry. The weight she carries. The ugly. She sees flaws and she hears JOE'S voice telling her she will never amount to anything. She will always be "just pretty because beautiful is too strong of a word for you." She hears "If you would just lose some weight, you would be hot." "Look at this picture of you in high school. You used to be pretty. What happened?"

Whitney is broken. Still.

Diets. Lifestyle changes. Workouts. Weight loss. Sure, it happens. She puts in effort. But she fails at that. She always falls short despite wanting it SO badly. She can't handle compliments. They make her nervous. She can't stay the way she is, it's unhealthy. She can't let them see her upset or weak. She. Can't. Let. Joe. Win.

But he does. Every day. He does. Despite the love of a man named Brad and babies and family and friends. She never feels good enough.

And she doesn't know how to fix that.

:'(