My Food Addiction (Part 1)

I have said this before... but I didn't grow up with a weight problem. I was born an average size, I lived a healthy lifestyle thanks to my Mother who taught us to make good choices in the things we ate. We always ate at the table, together and our meals were ALWAYS healthy and nutritious. My mother grew up with a weigh issue. She didn't want her children to grow up like that so we always had access to granola bars and rice cakes, fruits and veggies...We weren't deprived, (we would have Mcdonalds every now and then and I remember once my Mema's best friend bringing me twinkies when I had the chicken pox...she put them in the mailbox so she wouldn't be exposed to me and yelled from the car that she loved me and hoped I felt better soon lol) We were a healthy family. In school, although I thought I was fat, I wasn't. I was always tall so I always weighed a little more than my friends but I wasn't anywhere near fat...I wish I saw how thin I was back then...

My weight issues started after I got married. Please keep in mind, I'm NOT bashing anyone in this post. I'm simply stating the facts that lead up to the issues I face today. My ex husband and I got married when I was 18. He was 21. We were married for 11 years and we have 4 beautiful children. I got pregnant with my first baby a month after we got married, my 2nd came along 16 months later and we had a small 2 year break then baby number 3 and 4 came only 14 months apart from each other... Our lives were a whirlwind of emotions so fast. My ex husband would say things that were awful. That people who love each other shouldn't say to each other. I was constantly called names and put down. See, I was the strong one in our relationship. Not physically, but I could handle emotions from the stress, the money issues, the craziness better than he could. He would lash out at me because, overall, I could take it. I forgave easily (and still do) I knew his words were just said in anger but they hurt nonetheless. I turned to food to help heal my emotions. To hide them. To make up for the hurt. I slowly became addicted to food. I guess I should be happy it wasn't drugs or alcohol, but food addiction can kill you just as much as the other addictions can. (I'm learning more and more about this every day.) Every time I was called a "fat worthless bitch" I'd cry to my best friend over ice cream and I'd feel better. I'd make unhealthy things to eat because it made my husband happy. Different situations and arguments and stress and money issues (I am by NO means saying I was the perfect wife, I had my share of downfalls) I sunk deeper and deeper into food addiction. I taught myself not to eat all day and then binge on snacks late at night while talking to my best friend on the phone for hours about how shitty our lives had become. No one could see how much I ate because everyone was asleep. I learned really quick that a big pan of cheesy, buttery, fattening homemade mac and cheese and fried chicken and homemade-let them rise all day- yeast rolls literally made me HAPPY. I even went to school for culinary arts because I just love food SO much. Food makes me happy. Hell, it still does.  The wrong foods though... By the time my ex husband and I decided that our relationship was going no where, there was so much damage done to me mentally, verbally and emotionally (and I'm sure to him as well it was just a sad situation) I was full blown depending on food to get me through the hard times. I gained a lot of weight. Keep in mind, I have forgiven him for everything from our past and he's forgiven me, but our relationship was just toxic to each other. We are MUCH better friends and parents apart than we ever were together... That's how it goes sometimes. He's a good person with a good heart, he was just married to the wrong person. Vise versa...

After our separation, and divorce, I started NOT eating. Not because I wanted to starve myself but because my metabolism just went to shit. I would literally eat once a day. Which isn't good AT ALL. That one meal was usually dinner and it was usually a bad choice. A quick fix because life got hectic. I would still hide and eat things when I was stressed or upset, but usually I was so busy trying to make a life for me and my kids that I didn't really have time to eat more than one time in a whole day... Things just spiraled downward and before I knew it, I was over 300lbs and miserable.

My food addiction is just like an alcohol addiction. I can't just have one honey bun or one yeast roll because I will figure out a way to justify why I can have more and before I know it, I've had 3. This is more mental for me than anything because even though I feel like I'm doing a good job at handling the temptation of my food choices, I know I can slip at any moment. So, when you see me post things like "I miss bread" or "I miss beer" I'm not allowing myself to have those things right now until I get better control over it. I know people say you shouldn't deprive yourself but you don't deprive yourself when you are on a diet. I'm not on a diet. I'm changing my lifestyle. A recovering alcoholic wouldn't just have one shot or one beer, they steer clear of it because one will lead to more which will lead to having to start all over again. That's my frame of mind right now. I have to steer clear of the things (like Pizza) that tempt me and surround myself with good healthy clean choices or I fear I will backslide and end right back at square one again... This is a slower process for me. I'm not losing weight super fast because I'm not on a diet or looking for a quick fix. I'm changing everything in my life slowly so that it will STAY changed in the long run. This is me now. I'm working hard on beating obesity because I want to live to see my babies have babies and so on... If I continue down the road to eating like I was, I won't even live to see my children become teenagers. True story.

Have A Healthy Day
<3 Wendy