Broken.

Once there was a girl... we will call her Whitney. Whitney met a boy named.... Joe. They went to high school together. They grew up and got married and had babies and a house and cars and whatever. Joe would get angry at Whitney. He would call her names. Joe became very bitter and didn't like himself very much.... he would, what Whitney thought anyway, like to drag her down to his low level of bitterness and he would hurt her the only way he could. With his words. Whitney cried. A lot. Joe never apologized. He called it "being truthful" and Whitney learned to not like his "honest opinion" very much.  Whitney gained weight. Joe would call her fat. Whitney would lose weight. Joe would accuse her of cheating. She couldn't win. He was never happy. They divorced. Despite the babies. Despite the life they worked hard to build, it ended. It hurt. Probably more than the hateful words. They failed at marriage. They failed at giving their babies the life they deserved with Mommy and Daddy happy and thriving. But those babies heard the words Joe would say to Whitney. And even though it's been some time, they sometimes bring it up. Still. Whitney feels her heart rip open every time. That is NOT the way you talk to people. Why can't they just forget? Why can't she?

Whitney met Brad. Brad tells Whitney how beautiful she is all the time. He respects her. He appreciates her. He gives her things Joe NEVER could....or would. Brad is an enormous influence on the babies and he shows them how they are SUPPOSED to treat people. Even though Joe is a great dad to the babies, Brad is also great and he shows the babies a side of their mom that they haven't seen. Not in awhile for the older ones... not ever for the younger ones... Whitney laughs more. Whitney is happy.

On the outside.

When Brad tells Whitney she is beautiful, she doesn't believe it. She looks in the mirror and she can't see anything but the words that have stuck in her head from the things Joe has told her over the many many years.  She preaches to her daughters that "you have to love yourself. you have to accept and love who you are or you are never going to be able to love anyone else." Yet, she doesn't practice what she preaches. Instead, while out shopping and trying on clothes, she cries because they don't fit. She cries because they don't look right on her. She feels she can't pull off certain outfits because she doesn't have the figure or the guts. She looks at other women in cute clothes and confidence with envy. She goes home, looks in the mirror to TELL herself she IS beautiful. She is great just the way she is... but she only sees the breakouts on her face from stress. The lines near her eyes from worry. The weight she carries. The ugly. She sees flaws and she hears JOE'S voice telling her she will never amount to anything. She will always be "just pretty because beautiful is too strong of a word for you." She hears "If you would just lose some weight, you would be hot." "Look at this picture of you in high school. You used to be pretty. What happened?"

Whitney is broken. Still.

Diets. Lifestyle changes. Workouts. Weight loss. Sure, it happens. She puts in effort. But she fails at that. She always falls short despite wanting it SO badly. She can't handle compliments. They make her nervous. She can't stay the way she is, it's unhealthy. She can't let them see her upset or weak. She. Can't. Let. Joe. Win.

But he does. Every day. He does. Despite the love of a man named Brad and babies and family and friends. She never feels good enough.

And she doesn't know how to fix that.

:'(

hi... again...

Well  

HELLO THERE!

*gives slightly embarrassed wave* 

How is everyone? :) I know, I know... I went MIA for a bit in the blogging world... I had SO much go on, I don't even know where to begin... I think my last post was October... Well, around that time, I tried to help out a "friend" and... THAT went over like a lead balloon... lol But it's okay... live and learn and in that time frame, I did a WHOLE lot of learning... 

***MOVING RIGHT ALONG*** 

In November, a great man, a LOVED man, passed away in our family. My sweet Pappy. :( Very unexpectedly. I got the chance to go up to Kentucky to say goodbye and to see my Mammy and somewhat help her through some of the hardest days of her life as we laid him to rest...(If you're reading this Mammy like I know you do, I love you!) It was a sad time but also a happy time... as crazy as that sounds... being able to be surrounded by those that loved him as much as I did, to hear the crazy HILARIOUS stories and memories... it was good for the soul to cry with them, to laugh with them and to laugh until we cried... <3

My Uncle, My Pappy and My Dad

Thanksgiving!!! I cooked at my house the day before Thanksgiving because my children went to their dad's this year for Thanksgiving day... I didn't burn the turkey! :) I did burn the rolls... I forgot about them... but that's okay. :) I got the chance to reflect on what I was thankful for and most of it was under the same roof as me! <3

PSYCHO CRAZY PHOTO SESSION SEASON!!! Oh my... it got CRAZY! I don't regret it. I loved every second... I LOVE my job, but the months of November and December are insane in my world... INSANE! So, that kept me so busy...

Christmas!!! We had an amazing Christmas. My kids were very appreciative of everything, it was a laid back, chill kinda holiday and we loved every bit of it! Except, our Elf on the Shelf "Garland" was kinda lazy... he didn't move too much... I guess he forgot... :) 

January... The New Year.. On January 8th I had surgery to remove a cyst from the back of my head... it was scary. Especially when the doctor spoke of "sending it off to be tested for cancer." Oh my... that got scary.. BUT everything turned out fine. It isn't cancer, it WAS however one of the biggest cysts he has ever removed from the back of someone's head... *taking a bow* :) haha! I have a bit of a shaved area (not too bad and not noticeable at all and a nicely healing scar... it's so weird washing my hair now or laying on that side and not feeling that big ol' lump...

New Years Resolutions!!! No, blogging isn't a New Years Resolution... Neither is losing weight. But, CUSSING is! :) I've been doing.......okay.... I think... I THINK about what I say before I say it... I'm not perfect at it but I'm getting better... look, no cuss words yet! eh... EHHHH??? :) 

I am going to be blogging again. I have started back on this journey... BUT I can say, the weight I lost from before has NOT been gained back! None! I attribute that to clean eating and healthy choices! Thank you very much! :) They weighed me before surgery and I am still where I was when I ended last here! Boo-Ya! BUT I have work to do still... and as always, it will get done....eventually ;) 

Procrastination is another one of my New Years Resolutions :) HAHA! Let's see how THAT shit goes...

dangit... 

<3 Wendy