My breaking point

This is a very personal blog for me. One that I am TERRIFIED to hit that "Publish" button on... it has sat on my computer for a few days in a word document... but here it is. The day I reached my breaking point... If you are reading it then I mustered up the courage to share...Dear Baby Jesus... Here we go...

I have not always had a weight issue. I mean, I've always struggled with a few pounds here or a few pounds there but in high school I was actually a normal size. Back then, I thought I was disgustingly overweight and I even resorted to starving myself at one point... why? Because I knew I didn't look like my friends. (Skinny bitches lol) I slowly learned that I didn't have to look like them to still look awesome. There are things about me that are great. For example, I'm 5'8! (I LOVE that still!) Where did that confidence go? Looking back now, I'd KILL to be that size again. Teenagers.

One day, a few weeks ago, I went to meet with a client at a local restaurant. All I can say is being a person who seems to ALWAYS be late (because I've forgotten something most likely lol) I managed to get there early. AND THANK GOD! The waitress went ahead and sat me. She took me to a booth and asked what I wanted to drink. I stood there with her putting my phone back in my purse as I decided on an ice cold COKE and she walked off. I went to sit down.

I tried to slide in and that shit wasn't happening. I didn't fit in the booth! I tried the other side...I felt like my circulation was being cut off. NO WAY could I sit like this for an hour talking business. Was I really THAT big? I couldn't fit in a damn booth? REALLY? I got up and asked if I could sit at a nearby table instead using some excuse that my party of 2 was most likely going to be a party of 3. My client arrived not aware of anything being wrong. But EVERYTHING WAS WRONG. I don't remember half of what we talked about. My mind kept wondering...

I struggled through the meeting without her even knowing what was up. I kept eying the booth thinking "really? there looks to be enough room...maybe I was just too embarrassed to try harder?" and "well, it is a smaller than normal booth. I sit in booths ALL the time with Bruce (my boyfriend) and I fit just fine...this was a micro booth damnit!"

I gawked as another couple came in and slid right in that booth and looking at the woman, I thought to myself  "oh surly I am NOT bigger than her! NO WAY" not that the lady was grotesquely huge but in MY mind, her pudginess was way more... pudgy than mine. Surely. Right? Right!? I excused myself to the restroom. The lady from the booth walked in as I was washing my hands. We stood side by side in the mirror and I literally looked like TWO of her! Where did this person staring back at me come from? This wasn't the first time I looked in the mirror. I had to look in the mirror to get ready that morning. I knew I had gained weight. I knew my pants from 2 years ago didn't fit. I struggle EVERY SINGLE MORNING when I get ready to find something to wear. I don't ever spend money on myself, so the clothes I have I've had a while with the exception of a dress I just got a few months ago for my grandmothers funeral. I hate shopping because the stores that specialize in my size are so dang expensive and places like Target and Walmart that have a regular womens section, their clothes THEIR size 1x or 2x fit really snug or just dont look right on me. I tell myself "why pay $80 for a pair of pants that are going to be too big soon because I PLAN on losing weight" I know I said that to myself 6 months ago while looking online at one of my favorite stores...

So, I finish up my meeting with my client and we walk outside and part ways at our cars. I wait for her to back out and head towards the red light before I break loose. I cried. I looked in the mirror and I cried. I screamed. I hit my hands on the steering wheel and I had a straight up bitch fit. I drove home in silence. MAD at myself. I got home and I went straight to hunt down our scale and the batteries I took out of it. (lol I had to or I would be weighing myself every day) I weighed myself and I can't even tell you how upset I was. How distraught. How MORTIFIED. This fucking scale is broken. I weighed myself again. That number on that scale came out of NO WHERE. I mean, yeah, I knew I was gaining weight but my weight has always been higher due to me being tall and having muscle. (i think the muscle hides under my fat lol) I knew I was never a "small framed lady" I come from a long line of corn fed thick country girls and that's okay. I was making more excuses.

That scale said 319. yes. 319. Do you know the disbelief I am feeling right now looking at that number in front of me? I'm already in tears. Why the hell did it take me to get to 319 before I had a fucking mental breakdown? Where was I when the scale said 250, 280 or even 295??? I saw those numbers too. Thats why I hid the damn batteries. 319. That image, the horror I felt when I looked down will be with me forever. I will use it as fuel when I feel like giving up. I will use it when I am so damn sick of grilled chicken and broccoli. I will use it when I hit a plateau and its taking longer to see results and I feel defeated. I will use the anger I feel for letting myself get to 319 before I realized I had a huge problem guide me to where I want to be. Healthy. And at 319, I'm NOT HEALTHY. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried like a 2 year old not getting her way. I cried a LOT that week.

Not fitting into a damn booth at a restaurant and seeing those numbers on my scale were my breaking point. The very next day, I went grocery shopping and bought nothing but healthy foods and bottles of water. I cried almost all day and I felt pitiful. The pity stops there. I have to do this. I have to change myself and change my ways. I have to work hard to see a change and I know I can do it. maybe one day, I can rearrange those God awful numbers and my scale will say 139!!! We'll see. :)

Have A Healthy Day!

Wendy <3